This is a rant.
It really really bugs me that I had to bring up what I was trying to tell Girlfriend three times before she would actually let me say it. I was trying to talk about how I feel that she is being emotionally stifling [and, while these were only touched on, how I also frequently feel like she only loves me because I take care of her and give her an emotional dumping ground, and how I feel like she blames and shames me for my mental illness]. I brought it up with her and after going through a whole bit about what I was feeling (this wasn’t just a couple of words, more like a good couple of sentences), and then she immediately changed the topic to shaming me for not liking her cats. I reminded her that that wasn’t what we were talking about, and she asked what we were as though I’d never said anything. Even though it had been less than a minute prior. So I told her very directly that I wanted to talk about her being emotionally stifling. She ignored me and immediately changed the topic back to how bad I am for not liking her cats. Yet again I told her that wasn’t what we were talking about, and she acted as though she hadn’t a clue at all and asked what we’d been talking about. At this point I was thoroughly exasperated, but I told her yet again and didn’t stop until I’d gotten what I wanted to say in, which finally seemed to get the point across, and we did actually talk about it a little.
Girlfriend knows me, and knows that I am usually incredibly passive. For me to just bring up the fact that I have a problem with something once is a struggle. To have to go through that three times was majorly emotionally exhausting, and if it wasn’t for how upset I was, I’d have just given up. And she knows me well enough to know this. Because even though she says that I should speak up more, her actions seem to tell a different tale. And the whole bit of turning things around to make them about her is something that she does incredibly frequently, though it doesn’t usually have the same impact. I’ve tried to call her out on that, too, but it never seems to make a difference, and she does it so often that I just can’t catch her every time.
Can you tell that I’m kind of embittered with the state of our relationship right now? We had a huge fight fairly recently, and what I described was a couple of days after that. Things have been somewhat better because fighting meant that we were at least communicating, which helps some, and we’ve been on near opposite sleep schedules, which also helps some (except for with getting my hair done). It is also apparently because of my mental illness(es) that she is starving herself and having awful dreams, for reasons I can’t even fathom (other than that it interferes with my ability to cook all her meals and be 90% of her emotional support system, neither of which it is fair to take for granted). When she told me that, I genuinely thought that she’d misspoke and asked her to clarify. Only, as it turns out, she meant exactly what she said. She also said that she hadn’t said anything before ‘because it wouldn’t have helped anything’, which I guess counts for something since she’s right, it wouldn’t have helped anything.
Also bothers me that she’s making excuses to resume her past caffeine habit, despite having established that caffeine makes her bitchy, and originally giving it up for this reason. *le sigh* Girlfriend says that we’ll get couples counseling (if we can ever afford it), and she still desperately wants to marry me despite everything, but I’m really worried about our relationship as it stands. Here’s hoping that things get better for the two of us.