I haven’t been updating frequently

Published January 16, 2013 by Bethany

But I’m okay. Mostly at least. As okay as I can be by my standards. The color guard, well, a little less so as far as I can tell. I’ve gotten one note, from Sarah, which was mostly scared, and I know a couple of the others are going stir crazy as well. It doesn’t work 100%, but I’ve been trying to hold everyone else back for the benefit of, well, things being easy for me. And I shouldn’t, because that’s just cruel, but being by ourselves it so much easier since there aren’t the same number of strong triggers to prompt switching. There’s being around my mother, sure, but that usually only happens for somewhere between a few minutes and an hour each day. But… it’s still really hard for everyone. It’s a tense situation for me because I don’t want my family dealing with alters more than I can avoid, and it’s a tense situation for everyone else because they’re bored, for lack of a better way of putting it.

I have something nice for Sarah to do, but she’d need a chaperone, and I don’t have anyone who fits the bill except for my father. And that would be a damned awkward conversation, even with him already knowing about her.

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Sarah in co-conscious mode

Published December 11, 2012 by Bethany

Having Sarah in co-conscious mode is very calming and nice. She’s a total sweetie, I was surprised to see her even poking her head out because I expect she’s afraid of this (my parent’s) house, but she surfaced and we played a Disney Princess game together and it was a lot of fun.

Doctor’s visit

Published December 11, 2012 by Bethany

My first proper doctor’s visit in more than a year was meh, bordering on flat out not good. A lot of it was focused on getting me psych care, she very badly wants me to go into a partial hospitalization program I’ve been in before, but it would be a two hour commute each way, and require leaving at a very early hour. Needless to say, I really don’t want to do it. I also feel ashamed going back there with so many more issues than when they last saw me.

There’s another program that is a lot closer which I may be able to do, and if I can get into that – and get past the phone anxiety stage – I’d probably be willing to go into.

The rest of it, well, I didn’t remember everything that I was supposed to bring up, and my physical pain was dismissed as being a combination of stress and the fact that I gained twenty pounds because of poverty induced eating poorly. I’ve been having body aches in varying degrees from barely annoying to fully immobilizing, crying, near blackout for the past year and I’m sorry, but no, that is not the sole reason why. Especially seeing it had already been going on for six months before I even gained said weight. So yeah. A little big upset about that. C’est la vie, though, and it could have been a lot worse. I’m just not sure I’m actually going to get anywhere as far as actually getting these things looked into with her.

TOYS!

Published September 28, 2012 by Bethany

The fact that Girlfriend has more than once gotten comments along the lines of, “Some little kid is going to be made very happy,” while shopping for me makes me really happy. 🙂 ❤

And Sarah gets to play with them too, so I guess they’re making two little girls happy.*

 

*Our relationship has an element of age play, which is why things like this make me really happy. Beth lovvvves being Little.

Most people don’t get this

Published September 11, 2012 by Bethany

What I think most people don’t get about being disabled, especially for people with mental illnesses, is this: I had a dream while I was napping in which I got a job at a slightly trashy bar/restaurant that was on a boat in the lake near where I grew up (this was major alternative universe, but it’s definitely originating from the same place, and it’s a place that has shown up in my dreams more than once before. And while it was hectic and overwhelming at first, dream-me grew content with it the end result of all of this was that I ended up owning the place, and then buying or inheriting a nearby farm, shutting down the prison complex that had been erected in the midst of it, and taking care of the fields. And dream-me was happy, was pretty near euphoric. If I told me father, or most anyone I suppose, about all of this, they’d tell me to get that job and start from there. Because people don’t get that I want to do normal things and I genuinely can’t. People don’t get that the things that they take for granted like being able to hold a job as a waitress and (if they were so inclined and had land) to have an extensive garden are quite literally the things that I dream about it. And remembering that dream has me on the verge of tears.

Post for the sake of remembering something

Published August 25, 2012 by Bethany

This is a rant.

It really really bugs me that I had to bring up what I was trying to tell Girlfriend three times before she would actually let me say it. I was trying to talk about how I feel that she is being emotionally stifling [and, while these were only touched on, how I also frequently feel like she only loves me because I take care of her and give her an emotional dumping ground, and how I feel like she blames and shames me for my mental illness]. I brought it up with her and after going through a whole bit about what I was feeling (this wasn’t just a couple of words, more like a good couple of sentences), and then she immediately changed the topic to shaming me for not liking her cats. I reminded her that that wasn’t what we were talking about, and she asked what we were as though I’d never said anything. Even though it had been less than a minute prior. So I told her very directly that I wanted to talk about her being emotionally stifling. She ignored me and immediately changed the topic back to how bad I am for not liking her cats. Yet again I told her that wasn’t what we were talking about, and she acted as though she hadn’t a clue at all and asked what we’d been talking about. At this point I was thoroughly exasperated, but I told her yet again and didn’t stop until I’d gotten what I wanted to say in, which finally seemed to get the point across, and we did actually talk about it a little.

Girlfriend knows me, and knows that I am usually incredibly passive. For me to just bring up the fact that I have a problem with something once is a struggle. To have to go through that three times was majorly emotionally exhausting, and if it wasn’t for how upset I was, I’d have just given up. And she knows me well enough to know this. Because even though she says that I should speak up more, her actions seem to tell a different tale. And the whole bit of turning things around to make them about her is something that she does incredibly frequently, though it doesn’t usually have the same impact. I’ve tried to call her out on that, too, but it never seems to make a difference, and she does it so often that I just can’t catch her every time.

Can you tell that I’m kind of embittered with the state of our relationship right now? We had a huge fight fairly recently, and what I described was a couple of days after that. Things have been somewhat better because fighting meant that we were at least communicating, which helps some, and we’ve been on near opposite sleep schedules, which also helps some (except for with getting my hair done). It is also apparently because of my mental illness(es) that she is starving herself and having awful dreams, for reasons I can’t even fathom (other than that it interferes with my ability to cook all her meals and be 90% of her emotional support system, neither of which it is fair to take for granted). When she told me that, I genuinely thought that she’d misspoke and asked her to clarify. Only, as it turns out, she meant exactly what she said. She also said that she hadn’t said anything before ‘because it wouldn’t have helped anything’, which I guess counts for something since she’s right, it wouldn’t have helped anything.

Also bothers me that she’s making excuses to resume her past caffeine habit, despite having established that caffeine makes her bitchy, and originally giving it up for this reason. *le sigh* Girlfriend says that we’ll get couples counseling (if we can ever afford it), and she still desperately wants to marry me despite everything, but I’m really worried about our relationship as it stands. Here’s hoping that things get better for the two of us.